Fools Reunited

He was only a chocolate chip cookie...
...but I loved him.

I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet....a loner; the last one on the plate. He had a certain something...a sweetness, a sensuality. He was one hot cookie. I felt as if I'd always known him...hungered for him.

When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him...in public. After that night, we were inseparable. With him I could be myself. He didn't seem to care what mood I was in, how I looked or even if I gained weight. Together we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip.

THEN THINGS CHANGED

My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn. I felt crummy, but it had to end. Now we've gone our separate ways. I hardly think of him anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular magazine ad, a coupon for money off...that old longing returns. And when we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. We're friendly.But it's OVER!

HOW COULD I EVER HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL?

When someone gets you really, really cross, don't show yourself up by resorting to bad language. Don't go around making a complete fool of yourself. Simply take a tip from the Elizabethans who turned insults into an art form.

Next time you're completely whazzed off with someone simply use one of the follow choice phrases:

Thou art a spleeny rough-hewn whey-face!

Thou art a haughty mad-bred hedge-pig!

Thou art a errant full-gorged waterfly!

Thou art a warped bat-fowling gudgeon!

Thou art a pernicious fool-born maggot-pie!

Thou art a ruttish sheep-biting rampallion!

Thou art a fobbing spur-galled pigeon-egg!

Thou art a fobbing pottle-deep measle!

Thou art a impertinent beetle-headed puttock!

Thou art a slubbering guts-griping varlot!

Thou art a villainous rough-hewn jack-a-nape!

Thou art a quailing elf-skinned rudesby!

Now isn't that more effective thou incontinent jelly-legged tom-fools?

FOOLISH FACT #4 "HOW TO BE A BETTER FOOL"

It's the weekend once again. Welcome to my world of fools.

For those of you who don't mind being called or admitting to being a fool come on in - we fools must stick together.

For the rest of you then you must decide to stay or go. The choice is yours either be a fool and go or a complete and utter fool and stay.

Around these parts the word "fool" is not a derogatory one so please don't take offence. Right that's enough by way of an introduction.

IT'S NOW HAPPY HOUR AT "FOOLS BAR NONE" COCKTAIL BAR

Remember "Happy Hour" lasts until midnight. As usual each happy hour is themed. My last one had a "pink" theme in honour of the "Girls Night In" and so this one's for the boys! The theme is "Transport" so jump into your sidecar and motor down.

Here is today's cocktail menu:

Transport Cocktail Menu

Freight Train

1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. irish cream

Pour ingredients into 1 ounce shot glass

Anti Freeze

1/2 oz. creme de menthe (green)
1/2 oz. vodka

Shake well with ice, strain into shotglass

Armored Car

1 part Amaretto
1 part tequila

Mix and serve on the rocks.

Backseat Boogie

1 oz. Absolut Vodka®
1 oz. gin
1 part ginger ale
1 part cranberry juice

Pour one oz of each, vodka and gin over ice in a 14 oz glass, and fill rest with ginger ale and cranberry juice. Garnish with fruit and serve.

Bitch-on-wheels

2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. martini bianco (dry)
1/2 oz. creme de menthe (green)
1 tsp. Pernod

In a mixing glass half-filled with ice cubes, combine all of the ingredients. Stir well. Strain into a cocktail glass.

HEALTH WARNINGS:

BE FOOLISH! BE HAPPY! BE SAFE!