Fools Reunited

A lesson to us all not to destroy what nature has given us

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "Don't swing, Henry; for goodness sake, don't swing!"

It's about time that we had another debate!

DEBATE #4 "Fibbing"

Why do we lie to our children. Do we fear they won't cope with the truth?

The truth is, we don't lie to our kids for their sake, but for our own. Either we want a quiet life or we are too embarrassed to tell the truth.

Here are a few examples:

You take the batteries out of a noisy toy and say "Oh, dear, is it broken?"

You say the only time the ice cream van plays music is when it's empty!

You tell them that the tooth fairy leaves money under their pillow when a tooth falls out

When it comes to avoiding embarrassment, the great lie we all tell is about sex. No-one goes on about storks or cabbage patches any more, but instead it's all 'when mummies and daddies love each other they give each other a special hug'.

And yet we expect (nay demand!) that our children tell the truth - talk about double standards!

CAN LIES EVER BE JUSTIFIED? SHOULD WHITE LIES BE BANNED?

Guess what? I've got myself a new boyfriend. Permit me to introduce him .... his name is Igor (Igor by name and Igor by nature!!)

Anyway I met him on a blind date and it was lust love at first sight ...... you can see why!

Hands off though - he only has eyes for me!

It wasn't always so rosy! I've been on loads of disasterous dates and have heard so many chat up lines and needed to use one or two put downs in my life. Here are a few of them:-

I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

May I see you pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Your hair colour is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at Boots.

You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
"Do not enter" or "Stop".

I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?

Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

Have we met before?
Maybe, I am the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?

What's your number?
See the phone book.

But I don't know your name.
That's in the phone book too.

GO ON BE DAFT - GO ON A BLIND DATE - IT WORKED FOR ME!

What might seem like a simple idea could turn into a real nightmare. Are traditional childrens' parties a thing of the past? Whatever happened to sausages on sticks and jelly and ice cream? Nowadays it's down to McDonalds to let some poor student entertain the children for an hour then feed them burgers and chips before shoving a 'goody bag' in their hands and handing them back to their parents.

Back to the traditional childrens' party - there are many pitfalls - such as this:-

SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN

The props for his "disappearing" trick: are a removal van and your wide-screen TV.

He manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

He prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the clink."

He wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

He’s more interested in squirting the soda into his Scotch than into his pants.

A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

If you receive an email entitled "Tweeties Revenge," delete it immediately. Do not open it.

Apparently this is a pretty nasty virus.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything
on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts
and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with bleach and your bleach with toothpaste, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun
until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch elm disease.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few of many signs of infection. You have been warned!

DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!

Blogged off and blogged out. Not to be outdone I've decided to follow the flock and do something a little more constructive. Less stimulating but more constructive.

I'm not going very far - I've some re-decorating that urgently needs my attention.

Of course I'll be back - just try and stop me!

Right B&Q here I come!

HAVE A DAFT TIME TILL I COME BACK COVERED IN PAINT

I'm shocked, horrified and quite frankly disappointed! So rather than just complain I'm going to do something about it! Well someone has to haven't they? So it may as well be me! Well you know me - not one to cause a fuss or bother! But this time it's really got my goat! I am absolutely fed up to the back teeth! This must be stopped right away! I'll go to the very top if I have to! You'd think that in this day and age people would know better! Instead they just keep on and on! They never listen! just bleat on and and and on with total disregard to others! Hardly pausing for a breath! using silly smileys! colons exclamation marks!!!! When will they realise just how annoying it all gets! And then! to cap it all off! not to mention the atroshious bad spelling! then their's the grammer!

"ENOUGH"! I cry! So here's my twelve point solution!

DAFTERS RULES FOR WRITERS
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Don't use no double negatives.

12. Proofreed carefully to see if you any words out or mispeld something.

DON'T FORGET EDUCASHIONAL STANDARDS MUST BE HIGH!

SloshedandVexed challenged Jenray
Jenray challenged joebangles
joebangles challenged murphymole
murphymole challenged me, and at the bottom of this post I will challenge one of my friends.

So what do I have to do?
I have to write a post, I have two choices of subject:
(1) My Best Party
(2) My Most Embarrassing Moment.
I delete the one I write about and then add another of my choice as a second and pass on the challenge.

Ok here goes:-

That’s all I can say except “When’s the next blog party?”

I have done the same as Joe and stuck a pin in my friends list to see who to pass the challenge on to and it is .....USKSIDER . Well what a choice not knowing what we will get. So USKSIDER I challenge you to blog about either :

1) Your Most Embarrassing Moment or
2) Your dream date

FOOLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN!

........ well wet I guess. As it's a rainy Sunday I thought that we could all go to the swimming baths today. So do as Nellie the elephant did and pack your trunks and let's have some good clean fun together.

Right just a few rules:

No running
No bombing
No petting
No peeing ( especially not from the diving board!)

Just to make sure that you have a great time here are 12 Fun Pool Activities

Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''

Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

Swim near someone and go '' I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.''

Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''

Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

OFF FOR A BIT OF BREAST STROKE AND A FEW LENGTHS!

Now here is your chance. You just might have what it takes to win the X-Factor.

Simply follow this guide to writing and singing the blues. It is quite easy if you keep the following 10 points in mind:

1. Blues generally begin with "woke up this morning".

2. If you really cannot avoid it and want to begin the Blues with "I got a good woman", follow it up immediately with something bad such as "with biggest belly in town". Repeat the line twice and then write a third line that ends with almost a rhyming word. Now, it may read like this:

"I got a good woman with biggest belly in town,
I got a good woman with biggest belly in town,
She has legs of an elephant and weighs 500 pounds".

3. You will hardly ever find colors like ‘violet, beige and mauve’ being mentioned in Blues as it is difficult to find rhyming words for them.

4. People devoted to Blues use cars like Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks or may use Greyhound buses and southbound trains. The only other transportation that they use fairly well is ‘Walking’.

5. Singing Blues is usually the domain for adults. Teenagers normally have nothing to do with it.

6. Hard times are called Blues in New York City, Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City but they are just depression in Vermont, Tucson or North Dakota.

7. Blues are confined to places where it rains often.

8. Blues can never take place in a well-lit office or a shopping mall with sparkling lights. You need to sit in the parking lot or by the dump to have Blues. Other options can be the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed or even the bottom of a whiskey glass.

9. There are three steps to Build Your Own Blues Singer Name:
a)Choose Name of physical infirmity to precede your name such as Blind or Lame.
b)Choose a name of Fruit to be your first name such as Lemon, Lime or Kiwi.
c)Choose Last name of a US president such as Jefferson, Johnson or Lincoln.
So now, your Blues Singer name can be "Lame Lemon Clinton".

10. Name your guitar.

"OH I NEVER FELT MORE LIKE SINGING THE BLUES" ......

Yes that's right I'm looking for a new position.

Aw well, something will turn up I guess - until then I'll carry on blogging. "Carry on Blogging" that's it I could always go into films!

BYE FOR NOW - OFF TO THE JOB CENTRE!

Following my last post entitled "Want to see my puppies?" I decided to find myself a new pet. Here he is:

Can you suggest a suitable name?

BYE FOR NOW - OFF FOR WALKIES!

Mongrels have now become the new “must have” accessory amongst celebrities.

Retriever x Irish Setter = Resetter - a dog that can set your vcr for you

CAN YOU SUGGEST A NAME FOR MY VERY OWN DAFT DOG?

A big daft welcome to my latest blogfool "nultygoestopartick" who becomes my 40th fool friend.

You don't have to be daft to be one of my fools friends but it really does help. Failing that a sense of humour is the only other prerequisite. Wow that was a big word I now need a lie down to recover!

Meanwhile remember:

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
William Shakespeare

WHY NOT BECOME ONE OF MY BLOGFOOLS? - APPLY HERE!

Well I'm back from my holidays at the Great Wall. Here are some useful phrases that I picked up whilst I was away.

Why don't you give them a try?

Please note these must be read out loud

That’s not right..........Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive...........Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP.............Kum Hia

Small horse............ Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach................Wai Yu So Tan

I think you need a face lift...........Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here..........Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet...........Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone...............No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week......... Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight............Lei Ying Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile............Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive..........Yu Stin Ki Pu

Confucius say "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change"

Don't ask me why I'm saying this! It's the 1st of the month and it's supposed to be lucky to say it. Now I'm generally not superstitious but I thought that I'd better be on the safe side and say it anyway.

Anyhow, do you suppose that rabbits are jumping up and down in their burrows or cages shouting "white people, white people, white people"? No I guess not.

I reckon that we each make our own luck and that the simple act of chanting these words (or similar) belong to the world of miths and legends.

I mean consider the good luck charm of a rabbit's foot. Not too lucky for the poor old rabbit hey?

Before you say anything, yes I do think this is a hare but the graphic was entitled "rabbitrun" so don't blame me!

I remain sceptical but before I hop off on my summer break here's something that may (or may not interest you:

Why is a Rabbit's Foot considered lucky?

Superstitions, such as a rabbit's foot being considered lucky, grow out of man's attempts to explain the unknown. When man disproves the old belief, and some still cling to the belief, it becomes a superstition, such as in the instant case. In Western Europe, prior to 600 B.C., man considered rabbits to be sacred, because of their belief that spirits inhabited the bodies of animals, and also because of their belief that man directly descended from a select few of these animals.

Later, the ancient European Celts adopted portions of the older belief, that rabbits were sacred, and that spirits inhabited their bodies. The Celts, based upon the fact that these animals spent an inordinate amount of time in their underground burrows, held the belief that the rabbits' bodies were inhabited by numina, underground spirits with whom they communicated at very close proximity!

Another reason the Celts held the rabbit to be sacred, was because of their prowess in the field of reproduction. They believed that the numina intended for rabbits to be put upon pedestals and revered as symbols of procreation, reproduction with a high turnover rate, of health, and of prosperity.

Since the rabbit itself was considered to be lucky, it follows that any of its body parts would also be considered lucky. People selected the rabbit's foot to tote around for good luck, because of its capacity to dry quickly, its small size, and the fact that it made a great key chain!

Oh and just in case, I'll cross my fingers, throw salt over my left (or right?) shoulder, take my shoes off the table, find my black cat and repeat the phrase "Pinch, Punch, First of the Month"

Well I'd be daft not too!

Stay happy, stay lucky and I'll see you all in two weeks' time!

THE SILLY ISLES ANNUAL HOLIDAYS START ON 1st AUGUST