Fools Reunited

This is especially for my friend Ed (Wensum24) your daily dose of daftness as prescribe by me!

I hope that this night nurse is more to your liking?

A little 8 year old boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends. The day after the proceedure he returned to school. During class, he became uncomfortable and asked for permission to go to the nurse. When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother. Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy. Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his penis was sticking out of his pants. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Back to class," said the boy. "But you can't go back like that!" explained the nurse. "I have to," stressed the boy. "My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up."

When you're woken up at midnight by a phone call and someone asks "Sorry. Were you sleeping?"

Here are some more examples of stupid questions people ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers.

1. At the movies, when you meet friends---

Q: Hey, what are you doing here?

A: Well, it's so hot so I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In a bus, a girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet---

Q: Sorry did that hurt?

A: No, not at all, Why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral, one of the teary-eyed people asks

Q: Why, Why, him of all people.

A: Why ? would it rather of have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter ----

Q: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good?

A: No, its terrible and we occasionally spit in it.

5. At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years –

Q: Why dear, you've become so Big.

A: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask -----

Q: Is the guy your marrying good?

A: No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...Its just the money.

7. When you see a friend with evidently shorter hair -------

Q: Have you had a hair cut?

A: No, its autumn and I'm shedding

8. At the dentists when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth -------

Q: Tell me if it hurts?

A: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.

9. You are smoking a cigarette and someone asks-----

Q: Oh, so you smoke?

A: No, it's a miracle.....it was a chalk and know its in flames!

That's all folks - have a daft day - keep smiling!

This is for all you bloggers who find time to blog in your "lunchtime"!! OK so why are you reading this NOW?

Here are some very good excuses if you get caught sleeping at your workstation!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

It's okay...I'm still billing the client.

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I'm in the management training program

Actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I was dreaming about work!

Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

The postman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

So take your pick!

Sorry about this but the weekend is nearly over. Doesn't time fly when you're having fun? Then all too soon it's Monday morning again. This brings me neatly to that four letter word:-

For anyone thinking about a career change beware of the following terms:-

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission cheque.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Have a great week and don't overdo it!

I saw this and thought of you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

From me!

This sums up my blogging experience in a nutshell!

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you". - Dale Carnegie

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND MY FRIENDS

No I haven't lost the plot but I am looking for six of the best!

Confused?

I'll explain - I have been looking carefully at my friends list and discovered that I have no friends starting with the initials D H Q V X or Y and I wonder if I'm unique?

Now no Q V X OR Y? yes I can understand that but no D and H?

So I now want 6 new friends with these initials. Surely that's not too much to ask? Can anyone help?

The voting lines are now closed!

Well you voted in your millions thousands hundreds elevens. The votes have been counted and verified and I can announce (in no particular order!) that the winners are:-

Category: Daftest Celebrity Baby Name:
Luna Coco Patricia

Category Daftest Song:
"May The Bird of Paradise Fly up Your Nose"

Category: Daftest Politician:

Category: Daftest Pop Star:
A tie between Amy Winehouse
and Britney Spears (they are obviously as daft as each other!)

And last and daftest of all - it was unanimously decided that the daftest blogger is:-

MOI! mwah, mwah!

Many thanks to:-

Old-Nick
Boredrich
Rowtheboat
Joebangles
Sallyontour
I-am-Xenon
Esspee
Notanotherblogger
Sweetladyjane
Not-Herneschase
Wensum24
My Agent
Me
BCUK

HAVE A DAFT DAY!

Tentativeplotfinder says she's not comfortable with people giving her compliments. She's busy writing a list of reasons why they shouldn't. Naughty, naughty!!

This got me thinking.

So what makes me appealling? Don't all shout at once!

Well here are six things I can think of:

1. My voluptuous shape (cuddly)

2. My graceful walk (wobble)

3. My sunny disposition (toothy grin)

4. My witty repartee (did you hear about ......)

5. My pink spots (beauty spots)

6. My modesty (erm....)

Well someone has to say nice things about me so it may as well be me!

So, go on, tell me what makes you appealling?

Or what's the nicest compliment you've had?

Forget about the BAFTAS, OSCARS and even the BLOSCARS the most important award ceremony has to be the DAFTERS. Don't miss the exciting opportunity of voting for some of the daftest people around.

Nominations have been received and can now be revealed.

Category: Daftest Politician

a) Tony Blair
b) George W Bush
c) Boris Johnson

Category: Daftest Celebrity Baby Name

a) Fifi Trixibell
b) Sage Moonblood
c) Luna Coco Patricia

Category: Daftest Pop Star

a) Jarvis Cocker
b) Amy Winehouse
c) Britney Spears

Category Daftest Song

a) Doo Wah Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
b) May The Bird of Paradise Fly up Your Nose
c) Dik a Dum Dum

Category: Daftest Blogger

a) Me
b) Me
c) Me

So get voting now. Lines close shortly - after which time you may be even dafter than you already are!

Right - just off to write an acceptance speech!..... What?

Well someone had to address the problem so it might as well be ME! Jeremy Paxman has gone on record to say that M&S knickers are a let down.

Which pair would you choose?

In my continuing effort to bring a little culture to BCUK.

Films you will probably never see, but perhaps ought to:

A FRIDGE TOO FAR - Tom Hanks carries a fridge to Texas and gets a hernia.

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNNEL - A ship's Captain conducts marriages.

GOON WITH THE WIND - Harry Secombe as Captain Scarlet O'Hara - frankly my dear I don't give a – (raspberry sound effects)

THE LYING WITCH IN THE WARDROBE - No, you can't get to Narnia this way - you have to jump out of the 15th storey window to get there now... off you go.

MIME BANDITS - people steal mime artists from all periods of time and space - no one hears anyone scream for help.

MIRTHQUAKE - (In Sensurround) a giant Ken Dodd tickles everyone to death.

RETURN OF THE JED - Jed Clampett saves Jethro and Eli-may from the dark side in the vault at the Darth-Drysdale Bank

SATURDAY NIGHT BEAVER - after a week of working on a dam, a beaver goes out on the pull

SHAVING PRIVATE RYAN – Soldier gets rid of his beard before battle.

SPONGER BOB SQUAREPANTS – Jovial sea creature makes false claims for social security.

STAR TREK 2 – THE BATH OF KHAN – Ricardo Montablan gets cleaned up.

STAR TREK 3 - THE BIRCH FOR SPOCK – Corporal Punishment – Vulcan style.

STAR TREK 5 - THE FINAL FRONT EAR – Spock grows a new ear in the front of his head.

TRADERS OF THE LOST CAR PARK Indiana Jones and David Dickenson seek the cheapest car boot sales in Clapham.

POPCORN ANYONE?

Why not say a big welcome to my new blogfriends midorikaeru and joebangles

One to be taken three times a day between meals!

MORNING:

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating
for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy,
"We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two
rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate
food and cooking separate meals. We should just
move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.
Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.
Betsy: What about sex?
Elmer: Infrequently.
Betsy: Is that one word or two?

AFTERNOON:

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

NIGHT:

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.

"It's fine," says the old man. "I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me."

The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.

"Oh, my God!" says the daughter. "He's been using the fridge again!"

JUST WHAT DAFTER ORDERED! HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER

Is this art? Discuss

In view of this from RAMPAGE I have suspended my last two postings on this matter.

OK, we have looked very hard at this issue and we have actually discovered an error within the ad server.

This error (which involved the filtering of which blogs get which ads) made the criteria for the display of sexually themed ads too strong, which resulted in these ads being displayed on blogs with no sexual content. To be more specific, this error resulted in text segments being searched with the result that words such as 'cocktail' or 'cockateel' were considered to be sexually themed.

We apologise most sincerely for this error. We have shut down the majority of the sexually themed ads while we are working on this.

However, once this problem is resolved, blogs with sexual content will have ads of a sexual nature. Since Google do not allow us to display their ads on these sites, and since ads are specifically selected for display depending on the content of the blog, there really is no alternative.

However, we have NEVER deliberately displayed sexual acts or genitalia or any sort, and we have not actually seen these ads to which many of you are referring, despite repeated attempts to locate them. We would be very grateful if someone who can see these sexually explicit ads could drop me a BM with a screenshot if possible, or indeed any information about them whatsoever.

Again, we can only offer our sincerest apologies for this error. We understand that we have alienated a number of users because of it, and that is something that affects us deeply. We will, of course, strive to ensure that this does not happen again.

In the meantime, we can only request your understanding and patience as we work to get to the bottom of this and to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Thank you,
Your BCUK team

Many thanks to everyone who supported this issue.

The Mona Lisa is the most famous painting in the history of art and continues to inspire reproduction, parody, scientific theory, and more. In 2003-2006 we celebrated the 500th anniversary of the painting which now has it's own room at the Louve. The painting has achieved celebrity status and is continually appearing as subject of news articles around the globe.

........my new (more cultured) blog or not?

Be quick - you may not get another chance!

This one's for EllieGant!

Pirates of the Caribbean at a blog near you!

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (At World's End)

Elizabeth, Will and the crew of the Pearl sail off the edge of the map (literally) with the help of mysterious Tia Dalma and the late Captain Barbossa who has been raised by the dead to save Captain Jack Sparrow . He has been condemned to the terrible fate of remaining in the void of Davey Jones' locker for eternity. But rescuing Jack isn't the real meat of this movie - Lord Cutler Beckett has control of the heart of Davey Jones, and with that he controls the sea. The nine pirate lords of the world must unite for a final stand against Beckett, Jones and the East India Trade company.

Have a lovely birthday Mermaidstale - why not splash out?

I've won another award!

Who needs a Bloscar?

Now that Dafter's has been 'officially' named "Cultural Blog 2008" here is something arty for you all. I think it's lovely!

"The art of the Austrian painter, Gustav Klimt (1862-1918), is a curious and elegant synthesis of Symbolism and Art Nouveau.

The Kiss is a fascinating icon of the loss of self that lovers experience. Only the faces and hands of this couple are visible; all the rest is great swirl of gold, studded with coloured rectangles as if to express visually the emotional and physical explosion of erotic love."

Dafter's tip for all you goats: Stop butting in!

WATCH THIS SPACE!

How to use bathroom scales

Dafter's New Year Message

2008 can only get dafter! Well it did start will a brief mention on "featured blogs" - a flash in the proverbial!

DAFTER'S POST CHRISTMAS EXERCISE PROGRAMME

That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.

My pal Spicey wants some help!

Please LOOK HERE!

That's what friends are for!

But do you really want that?

DAFTER'S DIET #1

Well it's that time of year when everyone tries to get rid of the excess pounds 'acquired' over the festive period. I told you before how I'm fed up of TESCO sending me emails about their diet so I've devised my very own TESCO DIET PLAN

We've got the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet and the Weightwatcher’s diet. I'd like to introduce an even cheaper and more effective diet, DAFTER'S TESCO DIET PLAN! It's cost effective and easy to do even on your busiest shopping day. Here's how it works.

Start by making a grocery list of 10 or more items and then head to your local TESCO or similar store. When you get there, carefully tear your list into strips and put all the strips in your pocket. Grab a shopping trolley and you're ready to go!

Pull out the first strip and make your way all the way across the store to that item. As you trek through the store, you will see vendors giving out free food samples. As you pass the third one, take a sample of what ever they are selling. Repeat with each strip of paper until you have finished your shopping. By the time you are finished, you will have eaten 5 to 10 samples and will have walked at least 5 miles.

There are several important points to remember;

1) There is a law of nature that says, "Whatever you look for in TESCO will be on the opposite side of the store." This ensures that you will walk far enough to satisfy the British Heart Foundation's exercise requirement.

2) Do not skip the melba-toast with cream cheese sample in order to get the Ben and Jerry's ice cream sample. It's the randomness of the food selection that guarantees a balanced diet.

3) Do not double dip. Getting two samples from the same vendor at the same time is NOT acceptable. We know you won't get two samples of fried squid to make up for it, so don't kid yourself when you grab that second cup of ice cream.

If you don't have paper to write your shopping list on, you can get a similarly random list by calling your spouse. "Hi! I'm at TESCO, want anything?" will almost always result in half a dozen things that you just have to buy. Don't forget to pick up a 10 pack of writing pads on aisle 10.

THERE! I TOLD YOU IT WAS EASY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS ONE I'LL FIND ANOTHER ONE TO SUIT YOU! WATCH THIS BLOG!

Welcome to a brand new year. You don't need me to tell you that it's now 2008. Now that would be really daft!

......what a way to start the New Year!

Take a look here and now before it's too late. This will only be seen very briefly and on very rare occasions (like Haley's Comet!)

Super, great, smashing!

* Feature On Bcuk

THIS WON'T CHANGE ME ONE BIT - YOU CAN STILL CALL ME DAFT!

Without dieting!!!

Yesterday I complained about TESCO sending me an email about "Tesco Diets" Well I've been thinking (dangerous I know!) and have come up with a simple, cost effective way to combat those New Year's Roly Poly Blues.

Here's Dafter's Non-dieting Plan.

1. Get a full length mirror

2. Take a photo of yourself

3. Edit the photo by s..t..r..e..t..c..h..i..n..g the image until it's life-size

4. Sellotape the image to the full length mirror

5. Voila - a slimmer you!

SORTED!.....SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE - A BIT LIKE ME THEN!